I Am The Sushi King

I am the sushi king. This is commonly known amongst my friends. Mind you, this is less for my depth of knowledge regarding raw fish and rice than it is for my friends lack of it. And this isn't something I'm about to discourage. There is no way I'm going to let a group of mouth breathers who order their steaks well done have a say in my raw fish. No way.

As the sushi king I am also the head of Public Relations. It’s a good job, in a dishonest kind of way, if you know what I mean. I get to make sushi look sexy. How hard is that?

In truth, when I walk from the door of the restaurant to my table (or place at the sushi bar) I'm always straining my neck trying to get a look at the perfectly designed concoctions invitingly displayed like artwork on porcelain. I'm really not looking at that 30-something's perfectly formed plastic mammaries, the ones busting out of her too-tight fitted t-shirt and enveloping that beautifully crafted dish, as she leans in to talk to the jerk opposite her. I swear. Every neck craning step I take before being seated I'm asking myself "What the hell is that?" Usually, I’m talking about the food.

Half of the stuff I see in sushi restaurants is new to me, one of the perils of popularity are the knockoffs and diversions. I know what I like when it comes to sushi and I generally stay inside the lines of comfort. As I’ve said, I’m the sushi king. I'm not much of a sushi expert. I just play one in the company of friends.

I can tell red fish from white fish. And I know that scallops are like candy from the ocean (sliced not diced, please). I know that salmon from the north atlantic is sweeter because of its higher fat composition — due to the colder waters where the fish lives. I don't need to know what kind of fish eggs those are because they're damned salty and I don't like them. Nor can I tell you why it's called a "Spider Roll." What in the hell do spiders have to do with sushi and why would I want to eat one? Oh, and that caterpillar roll, while visually entertaining, is just as confusing. If we wait too long to eat it will it morph into a butterfly roll? Look, I'm not an insectologist. Keep your damn bugs back in the kitchen where they belong.

As the sushi king, and lead PR man, I can tell you the real beauty of sushi is its beauty, its visual appeal. Cool guys all dressed the same packing sharp knives and carving raw food — what's not to adore. I love the asian art on the walls and the happy, smiling people melting over the taste of semi-exotic cuisine. Such a respite from the High-Fructose-Corn-Syrup counter can only be welcomed. Then there is the food itself. The deep, rich red of tuna (sorry, ahi) is as much a delight to the eyes as it is to the tongue. The semi-translucence of the rest of the catch is something that can only be delivered by the bountiful seas, unless of course we over mine the deeps and rob ourselves of its delicacies.

What other foods possess sushi's beauty? That Big Mac sitting in front of you (come on, you're american, there's a Big Mac in front of you) is placed in a box and handed to you — even if you are "dining in." There's a reason they do that. McDonald's knows their food sucks and that it's about as appealing as mop water at the end of the day. So, they hide it from you before you eat it. Burger King and Taco Hell aren’t any different, except they wrap your dine-in food in paper. How visually appealing is that? At least at the ballpark there is no allusion as to what you are getting. It’s a hotdog on a bun. Have a nice day. Not so at the fast food palaces, where the subterfuge hides under two all beef patties inside a box.

While sushi’s visual appeal is unmatched, it is also difficult to come up with something that’s healthier. That burger in front of you has a taste that is based upon massive levels of fat mixed with just the right amount of high fructose corn syrup. In fact, high fructose corn syrup wasn’t enough so they added some plain old regular sugar and some more corn syrup just to make it taste better. Take a gander as to why americans are fat and diabetic.

But sushi doesn’t have any of those things. It has good oils (omega-3) and unsaturated fats. It’s high in protein and calcium and vitamin D. What’s not to like? Okay, there’s the occasional issue with mercury if you consume too much tuna. But really, given the cost of raw fish who’s going to eat that much tuna?

Some will tell you that the cost of sushi is a deterrent. I scoff at that. Consider this, that Big Mac will clog your arteries and expand your waistline exponentially over the course of a decade. There is an avoidable scenario here that looks like this. First, you spend more money on clothes to fit your fat ass. Then, if you’re female, you spend more money on a divorce attorney because that jerk sitting across from you is tired of looking at your fat ass. If you’re male, the divorce costs you everything because you couldn’t keep that thing where it belongs (because of her fat ass).

Second, if you both get fat on the Big Mac train then you have to deal with all of those idiotic diets your doctor puts you on. And we all know it’s costly putting a bunch of calorie deprived food-stuffs into our bodies.

Third, when your diet fails — and it always fails — your doctor gets to inform you that your diabetes has to be treated. With drugs. Expensive drugs. And then more drugs because of the depression. Then, of course, your health insurance premiums go way up, because who wants to insure your fat, diabetic, high fructose corn syrup ass?

Fourth, after multiple bypass surgeries and stints in the hospital you have to file for bankruptcy because you don’t have any medical coverage. As if that isn’t enough, you’ll die a few years later because your clogged arteries and expanding waistline are too much for your puny, underworked heart. That’s called paying the ultimate price. All because you refused to spend a few extra dollars on sushi. Now, there is an alternative to the above path, of course. You could take that miserable middle-management job that pays less, and which you hate, just so you can get the benefits. Then you avoid the bankruptcy. But it’s still death, isn’t it? Just a different form.

Before you go off on me and complain that it isn’t fair to compare sushi to the double arches parkway think about this: you’re eating out of that box or paper bag now, so the comparison does hold. It’s not about the food. It’s about you. (If you cook your own food and eat healthy — for the most part — then you are an anomaly, congrats.)

You see, what will kill you is your lack of imagination, your inability to look outside the box (literally). And, of course, an anemic ability at fifth grade math. As the sushi king I’m offering you the chance to come in from the dark, to change your perspective, to look at the long-term. Costs are relative. You have to consider all of the factors involved. So you pay a few grand for that boob job, and you dine at the edge of art and sustenance. In the long run you’re saving. And when you peer down at that healthy piece of edible art surrounded by silicone and lighted by those brilliant pearly whites you can rest assured that your health (financial and otherwise), and that of your loved ones, will remain good for a long while.

So, pass the wasabi and, by the way, did I tell you how much I love those high heels?

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